That's SO Deanna

Last night I had one of those dreams again. The dream where I write and plan my entire paper. I even thought of some great new aspects of my topic. It was all looking great. I was not worried about it anymore. Piece of cake, I thought. I even thought of some other future options for my topic that would provide some really intersting research on the rhetoric of musical albums. I really had some great brainstorming during REM. Then I woke up and was really pissed off that my paper was not actually written!

That is very much the epitome of me. Always planning and scheming. I do not do well without lists, steps, direction, organization. If none of that is there, I'll figure it out myself before I start. Thus, I even resort to midnight lucubration in my sleep! I have been called slow because of this. I will grant that it does slow me down. I could never be defined as a reckless person. Careful. Cautious. Safe. Those are my middle names. It is about power. It is something I can figuratively control. But this trusting God thing is taking away the power of planning. I have learned the lesson over and over and over again: My plans often are not God's plans. Since I tell him so often to have his way, I should not be surprised when my plans are demolished for the flimsy straw men that they are. Most of my planning is due to fear of failure. Which is crazy. I am an A student. I mean. I try hard, but often even when I do not, I do well. I think I need to stop taking myself so seriously.

This school year has been different than the three before it. This year I have tried to live in the present. I have not exhausted my resources on one paper. I have allowed God to fill in the gap. I take breaks. Lots of them. I give myself time to rest. And, although I succumb to impatience more often than not, things have really been very easy. God has just helped me glide along. Right now, I am in a precarious place and who I am should be scared out of my mind. I should be nervous, anxious; in an emotional state of upheaval. Yet, somehow, by the grace of God I am learning to trust God and he is helping me along. For now, planning is no longer being used as a coping mechanism. Instead, I am learning to face the unknown with vulnerable humility and trust. I mean, if I believe that God created the earth ex nihilo then I need to get a grasp on my weaknesses and believe that he can organize the pieces of my life into a beautiful picture. Things will work out. Not because I planned them, but because I trust God.