Today I bought some more workout attire and some notebooks and some coffee.
Mark and I had to drop Evan off at school because he missed the bus. On the way home I was in sore need of coffee. I awoke this morning with a headache and thought maybe coffee would help (it did not). So we spent some time in Target. I needed new notebooks because the one 70 sheet notebook I have had for a year and a half is finally full--yea, I am a real big note-taker! So I picked out a purple and green one, because well, they are the best colors in my eyes lately.
I bought the notebooks specifically for my Rhetorical Communication course. We have to critique the State of the Union address. I am not overly excited about the assignment or having to listen to Obama drone on and on about the state of our country. His grasp of public speaking translate to arrogance for me. It is like a stench I can see and hear. I mean, I do not hate the guy, he just bothers me, because he led thousands of people to believe that he could "change" everything, knowing he could not really do that on his own. Moreover, I tend to be thorough, and this critique needs to fit in 2-3 pages. So it is going to be a challenge for me. Not to mention the fact that the Neo-Aristotelian method is one of the most thorough criticisms. These short papers are the biggest challenge for me. I am learning to be ridiculously concise, but in Psychology, thoroughness is necessary, so switching between Comm classes and Psych classes has been interesting.
In the same way, I feel like I am constantly switching the roles I play. Going from one responsibility to the next. My responsibility to my parents, to God, to my boyfriend, to the family I work for, to my need for excellence, to my health, to my siblings, to my friends, to those in need.... I get lost in the middle sometimes. I was thinking last night that I need to discover me again. Who I really am, when all the people and things are stripped from my life. Who am I? My heart craves to be God's. Yet there are so many things that get in the way. I'm not here to lie. I am not a saint. My allegiance often falls on things of no worth on people who are mortal. Sin, more than anything destroys my relationship with God. It scares me so much to imagine all that I love and care for in this life suddenly disappearing. Would I falter? Would I hate God? Hate myself? What would be left? Who am I? Is it even possible for a person to exist without some type of social connections? These are questions I want to answer. I just want to take a good hard look at myself and see who I am inside. I want to have a sureness of myself. So in an effort to get to know myself better and to strengthen my identity I plan to discover something new about myself every day or nearly every day. I will share my discoveries with you and I encourage you to discover along with me.
This song says it all.
2 comments:
I like this, I think I'd be Interested in learning something new about my big sister. There's something intregueing about learning, especially self discovery. I would argue it is one of the most mysterious and exciting act we as humans do. Naturally we have a need to 1 be an individual, different, unique, etc., & 2 we are inclined to feel as if we have depth, and that it is our life saga to understand each level of who we are. I love the psychology behind it. The discovered, enlightened, and conscious you is never complete. That's the beauty of it; life is a journey. And what all of this mumbo-jumbo, balony-bullshit says about us as humanity is that we are incomplete, and that yes, we do need god.
I have actually always had a struggle with being unique. It was never something I truly embraced growing up. Not until a few years ago. I always wanted to fit in. Be a part of SOMETHING! I'm still strange, haha. But now it is somehting I embrace. Because I do not want to be like anyone else. There is something scary about standing on your own two feet, but at the end of the day, I'd rather have a sense of purpose and being that transcends the people and the things in my life. Something to anchor me when all else fails.
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